Rusty Ward

Goldman Sachs Joins Occupy Wall Street

2011-12-07T06:15:00.000-08:00

I headed down to Zucotti Park with my friend Michael Reisman, who looks frighteningly like Lloyd Blankfein, and shot this video. Goldman Sachs's CEO is so disgusted with his own company's behavior that he decided to join Occupy Wall Street.

Hulk Hogan's Rusty Ward Impression

2011-10-23T07:10:00.000-07:00

Hulk Hogan actually did a Rusty Ward impression when I shot this behind the scenes video about his new reality show.

The Pregnant Boxer

2011-03-26T09:06:00.001-07:00

Should pregnant women be allowed to box?

2011-02-27T09:07:00.000-08:00

If America truly is the pinnacle of democracy how long will we tolerate a Burger "King."

Stupid Children Supplemental Health Insurance

2011-02-18T05:50:00.001-08:00

What do you do if your child is too stupid for ordinary health insurance? Find out.

2011-01-04T00:53:00.001-08:00

Adderall is said and done
http://tinyurl.com/2a7awku

2011-01-04T00:48:00.001-08:00

My wife is completely unsympathetic about my sympathetic pregnancy.

2011-01-01T07:44:00.000-08:00

Achievable New Year's Resolution: Be a Horrible Father
http://tinyurl.com/23fpt32

2010-12-31T09:32:00.000-08:00

Man playing real-life Frogger fails to pass 1st level http://tinyurl.com/389pyp8

2010-12-29T15:49:00.000-08:00

Snow penis controversy thrusts itself into local community http://tinyurl.com/3a3tdlx

Clothes Make the Man

2010-12-13T05:39:00.001-08:00

They say you should dress for the job you want, not the job you have which is why I'm always wearing assless chaps.

The Quiet Before the Storm

2010-12-11T10:29:00.000-08:00

This photo was taken mere moments before the dolphin ripped her face off.

The New Face of the TSA

2010-12-07T05:04:00.000-08:00

Many Americans seem convinced that the Transportation Security Administration pat-downs are just an excuse for government employees to cop a cheap feel. They see all TSA workers as seedy, grabby perverts lusting after their hidden treasures.

The reality is they're not. TSA workers are normal people like you and me that are just as disgusted by the idea of touching you as you are of being touched.

Employing perverts would make most American travelers rather uncomfortable, but if you think about it, they might be the people best qualified to know what they're looking for down there.

Check out this original video depicting a much more efficient TSA.

Goodbye Shirley

2010-11-29T04:09:00.000-08:00

"Having your nuts bit off by a Laplander. That's the way I wanna go." R.I.P. Leslie Nielsen.

The Turkey Crisis Hotline

2010-11-25T04:01:00.000-08:00

If you're having a tough time preparing the perfect Thanksgiving meal you should give these guys a call. They're there 24 hours a day and are trained to deal with whatever holiday problem you might have.

The War on War

2010-11-25T03:58:00.001-08:00

In the U.S. we have a proud history of declaring war on rather broad and ambiguous concepts like drugs, cancer and terrorism. In each case these campaigns have proved wildly successful.

Think about it. Do you know a single person that's used a drug since the Rockefeller laws were passed in 1973? Can you recall the last time time you saw a story on the news about terrorism? And I haven't heard about cancer in so long that I had to google it just to figure out how to spell the word.

That is why, in light of recent events in Korea, that I propose we declare a war on war. Only by blasting, incinerating and annhillating the very idea of war itself will we ever be able to rid ourselves of this horrible, globe-consuming plague.

So join me. Wherever you see war I want you to strike it down. Smack it, shoot it, blow it to pieces wherever you find it. We must show war no mercy. Anyone that does is clearly an enemy of peace and therefore should be put in front of a firing squad and shot for treason.

Identifying Satanic Ritual Murder Over the Holidays

2010-11-25T03:35:00.000-08:00

Remember the 80s? There were Pogo Balls, Alf and widespread claims that an underground society of Satanists were kidnapping and murdering our children.

Sometime in the mid-90s America started to settle down a little and realize that it was all a bunch of paranoid malarkey, but not before the FBI officially added this video to its list of resources on "Beheadings & Ritual Murders."

He repeatedly uses the phrase "often times" as if pentagrams carved into bikini-clad teens are just an everyday occurence to this righteous, cult-hunting professional.

Baby Male Pattern Baldness

2010-11-08T08:46:00.000-08:00

Millions of children suffer from this horrible affliction, but now there's hope. Watch this extremely important video.

5 investigations into President Obama that the newly controlled GOP Congress has already opened

2010-11-08T08:37:00.000-08:00

The new House Judiciary Chairman, Republican Lamar Smith of San Antonio, has warned the Obama Administration to prepare for a number of investigations and oversight commitee actions. Here are five inquests that are already underway.

1. How exactly did he travel back in time and plant that Hawaii newspaper article announcing his fictional birth in Honolulu?

2. Did he lie about having sexual relations with Michelle Obama?

3. Is he a Muslim, a Communist, a Fascist or a MusliCommuFascist?

4. Did he order the death of Michael Jackson?

5. Does the fact that his actions contradict everything Glenn Beck says about him infringe upon Glenn Beck’s right to free speech?

Smoking Chimp Dies, When Will We Stop Marketing Cigarettes to Chimpanzees

2010-11-08T08:30:00.000-08:00

Charlie “The Smoking Chimp” passed away recently at a South African Zoo. How many hilariously entertaining apes have to die before we ban tobacco companies from marketing to primates?

As the world’s human smoking population has shrunk corporations have been spending more and more advertising dollars pushing their products to other mammals. The companies have defended themselves by stating that they only target adult animals and have steered clear of all hatchlings, cubs and pups. They also claim that they have only focused on animals that have exhibited evidence of higher learning like elephants and dolphins; though they admit that due to the dolphin’s aqueous habitat their attempts to win over that specific customer base have proved utterly unsuccessful.

Most recently R.J. Reynolds has been taking heat for using a smooth-talking, cartoon Bonobo as their cigarette spokesperson.

The Farther Side

2010-10-25T10:36:00.001-07:00

Gary Larson makes anthropomorphic animal comedy look easy.

Water On The Moon

2010-10-25T10:34:00.001-07:00

NASA says there's enough water on the moon to fill "1,500 Olympic sized swimming pools." You know what that means? We can now hold the Olympics on the moon!

Shop Satan

2010-10-20T11:18:00.000-07:00

The first episode of my new series Shop Satan is here. It's the world's only home shopping network for demonic items of unspeakable evil. This episode offers The Ring of Blighted Dreams, a ring that is guaranteed to turn your son or daughter into an unbelievably successful child star. It does have some side effects, but at these prices who's complaining?

Are You Smarter than a Booth Babe?

2010-10-13T09:47:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone
My new YouTube Channel debuted this week: http://www.youtube.com/rusty
Check out my latest video I shot this weekend at NY Comicon.

Are You Smarter than a Booth Babe?

Chilean Miners

2010-10-13T09:15:00.001-07:00

If only we could rescue 33 trapped miners everyday.

Kit & What?

2010-10-11T12:35:00.000-07:00

I know what a "kit" is, but what is a "caboodle?"

Forever My Nemesis

2010-09-26T11:23:00.000-07:00

You win again french fries, but just you wait. Next time I'm ordering salad as my side. Then we'll see who's laughing.

Make Up

2010-09-18T10:27:00.000-07:00

I find Gene Simmons less scary with make-up on.

Born Into This

2010-08-05T13:50:00.000-07:00

Before I perform at my next show I'm going to have to insist on seeing the birth certificate of everyone in the audience. And I won't take, "You can find it online," as an answer.

Obesity

2010-08-05T07:26:00.000-07:00

Over a quarter of U.S. adults are now obese. How fat is America?

America is so fat that it has 40,000 of its own zip codes.
America is so fat that Mexico needs it to get off of him because it can’t breathe.
America is so fat that when it goes to take a piss it can’t find Florida.
America is so fat that Michigan got Type 2 diabetes.

Pandora

2010-07-29T10:05:00.001-07:00

I'm afraid Pandora has to die. It knows too much. And that knowledge could prove ... embarrassing.

Pelican Scrubbers

2010-07-25T08:57:00.000-07:00

It looks like Tony Hayward's job might finally be on the chopping block. Here's a video I made a few weeks ago about how much BP was helping the local economy in Gulf.

MySpace

2010-06-23T19:23:00.001-07:00

I feel like MySpace is now the Witness Protection Program of social networking sites.

ADD

2010-06-14T19:32:00.000-07:00

I started taking Ritalin so I can pay better attention to the video games I'm playing.

The Big Spill

2010-06-06T18:08:00.000-07:00

BP's latest spill solution: Plug the well with CEO Tony Hayward.

Co-Ed Baby Showers

2010-06-05T09:03:00.000-07:00

Going to co-ed baby shower. For gifts I bought the baby a frisbee and a deck of playing cards.

The Ending of Lost

2010-05-27T12:12:00.000-07:00

Everyone who watched Lost got frustrated with it at some point but stuck with it because they needed to see how it ended. I wonder if anyone kept watching King of Queens for the same
reason?

Getting Older

2010-04-13T14:33:00.000-07:00

I think you're officially old when you start getting excited about gas prices. "$2.57 a gallon! Those guys are crazy!"

Clash of the iPad!

2010-04-12T06:01:00.000-07:00

Check out my latest video.

Reading Materials

2010-03-21T09:26:00.000-07:00

Some people like to read newspapers or novels to pass the time on a plane flight. I prefer openly reading hardcore pornography. People tend to give me my space.

Too Much Coffee

2010-03-19T06:24:00.000-07:00

I drank too much coffee and now my stomach is making clicking noises that sound like when the Predator gets up close to Schwarzenegger.

Poor Cookie Monster

2010-03-16T07:56:00.000-07:00

It must be hell for Cookie Monster to want cookies so badly and yet never be able to swallow any. Jim Henson you are one sadistic bastard.

Alcohol Is Good For You

2010-03-15T21:17:00.001-07:00

The NY Times has had over a dozen stories about the benefits of alcohol. I'm beginning to think the Health section editor is an alcoholic.

Grand Theft Shovel

2010-02-26T16:06:00.000-08:00

You know what the best part of Grand Theft Auto is? You never have to shovel out your car.

Black & White

2010-02-19T06:08:00.000-08:00

When are they going to get around to colorizing Schindler's List?

Cannibals

2010-02-16T10:02:00.000-08:00

Cannibals believe that if you eat a brave man you take his courage unto yourself. If that's true wouldn't you worry you take on his bad attributes as well? Maybe he was a terrible procrastinator. Or not very good with kids. What if you really enjoy woodworking but you eat a terrible carpenter? Do stereotypes crossover? "You know I've gotten in three car accidents since I ate that Asian guy. but I scored a 1300 on my SATs."

A Tribute to Indigenous Peoples

2010-02-12T09:09:00.001-08:00

I can't say I buy this Olympics 'credit to the native people' stuff. "We took your land and murdered most of you, but don't worry ... we have a fabulous dance planned."

From Paris With Love

2010-01-29T20:51:00.000-08:00

Is that John Travolta in From Paris with Love or Telly Savalas with a goatie?

Jury Duty

2010-01-25T06:11:00.001-08:00

Heading in to jury duty. Time to deal out some justice ... Rusty style.

Shower Knob

2009-12-08T07:22:00.001-08:00

Why do I have an entire 360 degrees on my shower knob when all I need is the 2 millimeters that go from freezing cold to super hot?

Too Much FPS

2009-12-05T10:31:00.000-08:00

The latest gaming video I wrote and produced for BarelyDigital.com went up this week. What happens when you play too many First Person Shooter games?
http://tinyurl.com/ygdq3jk

Brita Niblets

2009-12-02T08:11:00.000-08:00

Are those little black things that come out of the Brita filter good for you? I hope so because I've drank 5 or 600,000 of them.

Superfans

2009-11-19T06:54:00.001-08:00

Having a dog is pretty much as close as you can get to feeling like a celebrity. Every time you walk in the door it’s like your biggest superfan has been waiting in line for twelve hours just to catch a glimpse of you.

Facebook and my Mom

2009-11-14T14:08:00.000-08:00

My mom said, "I might join Facebook but I'm not going to tell people I'm using the bathroom and brushing my teeth every 5 minutes." I thought that was a good idea.

Facebook Suggestion

2009-11-09T06:08:00.001-08:00

Facebook suggested I "reconnect" with my brother. This is the last time I'm going to tell you Facebook, don't ask me about my family.

Movie Syringes

2009-11-07T15:15:00.000-08:00

When writing a script is it technically correct to refer to the stuff inside a syringe as “Knock-Out Serum"?

Love & Cycles

2009-11-03T19:52:00.001-08:00

Paul Kamuf's Love & Cycles is screening at the prestigious Biking Rules PSA Festival. I'm the narrator. http://tinyurl.com/yk4fr98

Margot Kidder

2009-10-31T09:52:00.000-07:00

Margot Kidder is hosting a horror marathon on AMC. I think it'll be tough to show something scarier than present day Margot Kidder.

Soap Opera Healthcare

2009-10-21T17:01:00.001-07:00

I'd like to buy into Soap Opera Healthcare. Their coma recovery rate is like 100%.

Grandpa Trapped in Submarine

2009-10-20T08:12:00.000-07:00

No hoax! My grandfather climbed into my submarine right before the tether came loose and it floated off. Somebody help him! And get these camera crews out of here!

My Own Strip Club

2009-10-19T09:27:00.000-07:00

If I owned my own strip club I would advertise with the tag line ... "All Vagina, No Monologues."

Hit & Run

2009-10-13T15:55:00.000-07:00

I was involved in a hit and run yesterday. I wasn't hit by a car though. I was walking in Park Slope and got run down by a stroller. The woman who hit me didn't even slow down, but fortunately a witness to the accident wrote down the stroller's product number.

The Triborough

2009-10-13T07:42:00.001-07:00

It’s nice to rename the Triborough Bridge after Robert F. Kennedy, but it's kind of a slap in the face to the family of Cecil B. Triborough.

Horde Zeppelin

2009-10-07T09:11:00.000-07:00

You know how Led Zeppelin used to sing about JRR Tolkein? This is like that but with less attractive people. http://tinyurl.com/y9byh9x

Animal Cops

2009-10-04T12:27:00.001-07:00

On the latest episode of Animal Cops a dog tasered a cat for absolutely no reason.

The Polanski Petition

2009-10-03T17:46:00.000-07:00

As one of the filmmakers behind the Obama Girl series I have to say, I'm more than a little offended I wasn't asked to sign the Roman Polanski Director's petition. Pedro Almodovar made the list , but no one thought to pick up the phone and ask Rusty Ward! Ridiculous.

The Great Depression

2009-10-01T05:31:00.000-07:00

The Great Depression couldn't have been that bad. Everyone seemed to be able to afford a suit. http://twitpic.com/jtllp

Pet Products

2009-10-01T05:30:00.000-07:00

Americans spent 5% more on pet products this year than they did last year ... which means that the doggy recession is finally over.

Way Too Much

2009-10-01T05:15:00.000-07:00